How to Become Emotionally Independent in a Relationship - Part 1

Alright, so Valentine's Day is coming up and I've decided to tackle something a little bit delicate today. The fact is that it is very easy to become overly reliant on a partner and depend upon them a little too much. You enjoy their company, you love them a lot, and you want to spend every minute of your time with them.

Great. What happens when you overdo it though? You might find that your partner is pulling away, paying less interest to you, and showering you with less affection than you used to get. In desperation, you inundate them with more loving words and make the effort to spend more time with them. You literally reschedule all of your events so you can be around them. However, this is only met once more with your partner pulling away further and seeming more disinterested than ever.

Why is that? Well, the truth is, by trying to keep your partner close to you...you're actually pushing them further away. That's because you're not giving them the space they need to grow and to think. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is a human, too, and the truth is that they have their own life and their own dreams. They want to know that they have the space and support to do the things that they want to do some of the time.

By holding onto your man or woman tighter, you're effectively saying that you don't think you're worth as much as your partner. You are devaluing yourself when you're actually worth just as much. People want to feel like they've got a great catch (and your partner chose you because you are that great catch) so, by devaluing yourself, you're effectively telling them that you don’t think that you’re worth much. By devaluing yourself, you’re effectively telling them subconsciously that you don’t think they chose a “good catch”.  Men and women want to know they've made a good choice—that they've got something infinitely precious—and they definitely felt that for you at the beginning of the relationship. Put this way, your man or woman wouldn't have entered into the relationship if they didn't think they were making a good choice. To ensure they keep feeling that, you simply have to trust them and act the same way you did during the initial stages of your relationship.

It's more than that though. By clinging, although it's unintentional, you're creating an unfair pressure on your partner. They know on some level that you aren't happy and that you're struggling—and the pressure is on them to fix that. The trouble is, often your partner simply doesn’t know how to fix the problem and that can create an unfair situation. Your partner loves you; your partner absolutely doesn't want you to be sad...but he or she might not know how to make things better for you. To be honest, your happiness cannot solely rest on your partner’s shoulders anyway.

The truth is that only you can fix your situation. It sounds cliché but you have to work on yourself. Your partner was attracted to you for a reason and—in most cases—that doesn't change. The only thing that changes in a relationship is the way people behave. Perhaps something happened that triggered self-esteem issues within you and made you doubt yourself. Maybe that's spiralled out and made you believe you aren't worthy of being loved by your partner. This is false. You are worth that love. Your partner chose you. Nothing has changed.
 
I want to help you learn to detach from the chaotic thoughts and fears circuiting around your brain. I want to help you learn to have self-worth and love yourself. If you can love yourself, you make it so easy for everyone else to love you.

So, how do you do that? Well, first of all, please check out my previous posts '5 Tips on How to be Happy' and '3 Tips for Improving Self-Esteem'. These posts won't do the job for you but they will help you. The key is to build your own sense of worth up once more.

To save your relationship, you also need to take a step back. It sounds counter-intuitive when you're panicking about losing your partner...but try to give them a little breathing space. You might be itching to text constantly but you need to stop yourself. I know that might seem really hard and I know that it might panic you but this is for the good of your relationship.

Besides, don't you want to be able to breathe easily again and feel that same sense of confidence that you felt when you and your partner first got together?

You can do that. To help you, I'm going to do my very best to give you exercises which will improve your confidence and help you to be more mindful. If you're in touch with the present time and your current settings, you're not worrying about your relationship and its future. This should help to relieve some of the pressure you feel and help you learn to be a lot calmer.

This blog post has run on a bit too long. I'll cover mindfulness and give you some really helpful tips in my next blog. In the meantime, please remember that you are stronger and worthier than you think. Trust and believe in yourself.

F x

The Top Ten Worst Chat-Up Lines

I don't know whether there's something in the water over here that makes people dish out terrible chat-up lines but I've certainly listened to my fair share. I'm not really sure of the success rate of this style of flirting...but I can't say that I've ever been a fan of pick-up lines.

Today, I'm going to share with you some of the worst chat-up lines that some of my female friends and I have experienced first-hand:


1) "I've never slept with a midget before but I'd rate you 10/10. Let me buy you a drink."

2) "My thing is ten inches long. Come home with me tonight and I'll show you what it's like being with a real man."

3) "If you're Little Red Riding Hood then I'll be your wolf."

4) "So ...what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?"

5) "If you were a ketchup bottle, I'd give you a squeeze."

6)  "Hope you're not afraid of a big man."

7) "Something's wrong with your phone. It doesn't have my number on it."

8) "Are you looking for a prince to sweep you off your feet? If so, you've just found him."

9) "If being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!"

10) "Are you taking applications for a new boyfriend? If so, I'd like to submit my application because I'm sure I can give you a really good time."

Warning: For any guys reading this, I would advise against using the pick-up lines listed above on any ladies that you want to impress. You may call me old-fashioned but I think a simple compliment or a normal conversation with a guy is far better!

Anyway, has anyone heard any chat-up lines that are worse? Has anyone actually had any success using chat-up lines? What lines have you used or heard someone use? Share your stories and let me know.

10 Romantic Things To Do For Dates

I've always loved the dating period and I really enjoy keeping the magic of a relationship going through the odd date night. After all, sometimes it's nice to schedule in a little one-to-one time with your partner. However, trying to find different things to do for those dates can be decidedly less fun.

To help out anyone else experiencing that headache, I've scribbled down a few ideas and suggestions below of things that might be fun to do on dates:


1. Cinema:

Cinema dates can be great fun for couples. There's something rather wonderful about sharing tubs of ice-cream and packets of popcorn together whilst at the cinema. The only issue is that you and your partner might have different eating speeds. For example, I used to dip my hand into a packet of popcorn―only to find myself left with a handful of crumbs (and a suspiciously guilty-faced partner).

Can't afford the cinema? How about having a romantic DVD night at home instead? My ex-boyfriend and I used to curl up together frequently and watch cheap DVDs or films on Netflix. Staying in can be just as romantic as going out.

2. A romantic dinner at a bistro or restaurant:


Dressing up nicely and going out for a meal can be a fantastic treat. You and your partner get to see each other dolled up in fancy clothes and you can both chat away to each other whilst everything else is taken care of for you.

However, if you cannot afford a romantic meal out somewhere then cooking something up at home can be just as romantic. My ex-boyfriend used to cook me the most amazing fajitas and then we would cuddle up and indulge in a spot of ice-cream. A few candles and a little effort will do the job just as brilliantly as going out to any restaurant or bistro.

3. Ice-skating:

Although it's fair to say that I've never managed to look particularly graceful whilst attempting to find my footing on the ice, ice-skating is a great way to spend a few hours with someone you love. Whether you're wobbling around and attempting to stay upright, clinging to your partner's hand, or chasing each other around the rink, there's a wealth of different things to do on the ice.


4. Bowling:

Bowling can be great fun, especially during double-dates. Add in a little friendly competition or a dash of healthy banter and you've got yourself an exciting evening of entertainment.


5. Picnic:

A picnic in a park or on a grassy verge somewhere is absolute bliss. Simply prepare a few sandwiches and some of your favourite bites to eat and then head out somewhere nice for the day. There's something quite lovely about sharing food and exchanging kisses with your partner whilst the breeze is breathing across your skin and tickling through your hair. Better still, it's an extremely cheap date!

6. A romantic beach or countryside walk:

Obviously, if you live in a built-up area then this might be harder. However, I've always loved strolling along the beach at sunset, watching the waning sun splash brilliant hues of liquid amber and hazy magenta across the sky―and it's even better when you have someone with you to share the view.

7. Bushcrafting, kayaking or rock climbing:

In my part of the country, there's no shortage of adventurous outdoor activities to do with your partners. My ex really loved fitness so this was a perfect way for us to have fun on a romantic level with each other.

8. A trip to the theatre to see a musical or pantomime:


If you want something a little fun or light-hearted then a pantomime can be absolute perfect. Actively encouraging audience participation, pantomimes are great fun and highly immersive. If you're stuck for ideas then it is definitely worth checking out what's going on at your local theatre.

Failing that, there's usually a wealth of plays or musicals around to watch. If you can't afford to see a professional musical in London then try going to a few local amateur productions. In my area, there's a plethora of local talent and productions are always highly polished.


9. Spontaneous trip to Paris:

For people living in the United Kingdom, taking a day trip to Paris could not be easier or cheaper these days. Hopping onto the Eurostar can get you from London to Paris in just 2 hours for as little as £70 pp return. (For more information: Eurostar website)

NB: If Paris isn't that close to you then you can always grab your car keys and go on a road trip somewhere closer for a couple of days.

10. Scuba-diving or snorkelling:

This is a great idea for anyone who enjoys exploring or adventuring. Snorkelling, in particular, is one of the easiest underwater activities to enjoy and is very simple to learn.  There's something relaxing and exhilarating about venturing into shallow waters together to seek out different types of sea life.

Best Homemade Gift to Give a Loved One

During my time with my last ex-boyfriend, I worked really hard trying to think of an anniversary present that would be really meaningful. I was happy to get something material for him but I also wanted something that he could look at fondly each day, too. It's fair to say that the creative juices were not running high that afternoon though and I was utterly stumped about what to do. Anyone who knows me can clarify that I like to get organised months in advance and I was determined to put a lot of effort into ensuring that my gift was something he would remember.

As with all matters, I took to the internet in the hopes of getting some inspiration and I'm pleased to say that I wasn't disappointed. Before long, I stumbled across a beautiful idea that I was certain would not disappoint. It turns out a guy on Reddit had ingeniously shown his love for his girlfriend by creating an incredibly touching and meaning 365 Day Love Jar. (More info: Reddit)

The idea is actually really simple. You simply take an old jam jar or something similar and fill it to the brim with 365 loving notes for your partner. The partner then picks one note out each day and gets an instant pick-me-up. The Reddit guy even colour-coded his notes so that his girlfriend could pick out whatever she fancied on that day. For example, his categories were:

My categories were pretty much identical:

1) Reasons why I love you
2) Fond memories we've shared together
3) Loving quotes that remind me of our relationship.

To ensure I had the right amount of quotes, I craftily used the numbering in Microsoft Word to make sure that I knew how many notes I'd made (it would have been a touch embarrassing if I had told my partner that I'd made 365 love notes and then it turned out I had only made 363) and then removed the numbers at the end before printing. I printed each different category out onto different coloured sheets of paper, cut the notes out, folded them up neatly and then started to fill up the jar with them.


Your reasons for loving someone can be anything. For example, some of my notes were as follows:

Cautionary Warning:

Make sure you give your jam jar to your partner before any fights or arguments. My partner and I sadly broke up before I had fully finished putting 365 love notes in my jar and I'm still a little gutted that I never got to show it to him.

Also, if you know that your partner balks at sentimental words and might find it overly-loving then I'd look elsewhere for the perfect gift. That being said, I never used to enjoy sentimentality one jot...but I'd be pretty happy to receive this from someone who truly loved me.

Cherish the love you've shared and give your partner something truly wonderful. It's so brilliant looking back over all the great moments you've shared and it really helps you to treasure what you have with your partner.  I'm sure it'll put a smile on your partner's face every morning when they dip into that jar and pull out a new note.

Top 10 Quotes About Love

1. "So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…"
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

2. "Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime." 
― Bette Davis

3. "I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you."
― Jennifer Grey, Dirty Dancing

4. "Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence."
― Vincent van Gogh

5. "Don’t forget I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."
― Julia Roberts, Notting Hill

6. "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
― Lao Tzu

7. "You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not."
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

8.  "Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you."
― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

9. "This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."
 ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love  

10. "What's meant to be will always find a way."
― Trisha Yearwood 




If you've enjoyed these quotes, you might also want to read: 'Top 10 Inspirational Quotes'.

Christmas Spirit: The Non-Boozy Kind

It's been a long time since I've sat down to write a blog post so you'll have to excuse the rustiness and verbal diarrhoea which may shortly ensue.

Christmas is just four days away. With all the festive frolics, steaming mulled wine and crooning carollers, it's easy to see why Christmas is considered the most magical time of the year. This year, though, everything has changed. Instead of throwing myself into Christmas preparations with a glorious joyeux de vivre, I find myself longing for the coming New Year and the beginning of 2015.

Maybe it's the endless consumerism, the barrage of stressed shoppers scrambling around for the best Christmas deals, the growing anxiousness to get the "perfect present", or maybe it's because this time of year is a constant reminder of things lost...but I’m finding Christmas less and less enjoyable this year.

In all the bustle of Christmas, it's often easy to forget that Christmas can be the loneliest times of the year for some people. Watching other people excitedly getting ready for a Christmas packed with family and friends must bring a sharp pang to the heart of anyone who has recently experienced a loss of some kind.

People can be snapped away in an instant. So, if I could impart one message about Christmas—if I've learnt anything from this year at all—it's not to take the people around you for granted. They can be gone in a heartbeat, leaving you filled with so many regrets. Christmas is a stressful time but don't lose sight of the fact that you probably have a lot of people out there who really care about you. If you love someone, hold onto that love and don't let it slip away.

As someone spending Christmas single this year, it is hard to believe that this time last year I was giggling in the arms of someone who I thought was the most special guy in the world: The guy I thought I would be spending every day with for the rest of my life. Twelve months later and that dream is hopelessly lost—and no amount of work on my part can fix it, nor any prayer change it. I've lost my dream…but it's made me more determined than ever that everyone else gets their happy ending. Make your wishes come true. Keep hold of the magic of love this Christmas and enjoy every moment you spend together—because it can all end with just a few heated comments. Don't let rash words or the strain to create "a perfect Christmas" bring with it an avalanche of regrets. If you love someone, keep them. Love isn't about never having cross words or always agreeing with each other—but it is about being prepared to compromise and loving each other enough to try again. Love is not about walking away forever because you're scared something may not fit further down the line; it's about trying to make things work regardless.

I know of so many couples who are struggling because of the strain which Christmas brings and it simply isn't worth it. Christmas only lasts a few days—so, please, if I could ask one thing of anyone reading this, it's this: Don’t do anything you might regret further down the line. Do not split with a partner unless you've truly stopped caring for each other. Who cares if he forgot to buy the cranberry sauce? No one likes it all that much anyway. What does it matter if she's invited that aunt who you've never liked to stay for a few days over the Christmas period? It's only two or three days and then you have the place to yourself again.

Keep the people that you love around you for Christmas and enjoy every moment. Pull crackers, groan at the silly jokes, get merry on tipples of wine, stuff yourself full of roast dinners and Christmas pudding, live in the moment… and have a wonderful Christmas.

“The spirit of Christmas is the spirit of love and of generosity and of goodness. It illuminates the picture window of the soul, and we look out upon the world's busy life and become more interested in people than in things.” —Thomas S. Monson.