How to Become Emotionally Independent in a Relationship - Part 2

Last time, I started to explain how to become emotionally independent in a relationship. I really want to help anyone struggling with this so today we're going to go through a few simple exercises that will help keep you grounded in the present time. By living in the moment, you should feel more relaxed and less worried about what might happen in the future with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Your thoughts will be absorbed in what is happening in the present moment, rather than on concerns about what might happen in the future.

So, how do you live in the "now" and stop worrying about the future?

I've outlined a few techniques and exercises below which I hope will help teach you mindfulness and distract you from worrying about what's going on in your relationship.

1) Connecting with the people and objects around you:

If the weather is fine, take a few minutes out of your day to go for a walk outside. Focus on what's around you, paying attention to any road signs you see and making an effort to notice the tiny details e.g. the different types of flowers in a hanging basket, the windows above a tatty shop building, the golden name plate on a park bench etc. By doing this, your thoughts should quieten and you should find it easier to enjoy living in the moment.

Whenever you feel that your thoughts are becoming chaotic with worries and concerns about your relationship, place your hands down on your thighs and focus on the weight of them. Notice how each finger feels against the fabric of your clothing and keep focusing on that until the thoughts quieten.

To help you further, have a quick look at the people around you when you're outside. Remind yourself that—just like you—those people have laughed, cried, smiled and known a lot of the emotions that you're experiencing. This will help connect you more with the people around you and take your mind off of your current worries.

2) Breathing techniques:

Meditation and breathing techniques are really helpful for easing worries. Whenever you start to panic or feel insecure, calm yourself with relaxing meditational music and good breathing techniques. 

Breathing Technique: Hold your breath for the count of four seconds, inhale through the nose for seven seconds, and then exhale through the mouth for eight seconds. Repeat until you feel calmer.

3) Resist the urge to check in on your partner all of the time:

I know it's hard when you care about someone and are itching to hear from them...but try to stop yourself from texting your partner all the time for reassurance. Even more than that, if you do send a text, do not follow that up with another text if they fail to respond. Give them some space and do not chase. It can be quite emotionally draining to receive text messages from partners who are constantly seeking reassurance so try not to fall into that trap.

If you think that you might struggle with this then have a "go to" group of friends who you text whenever you feel yourself itching to message your significant other. Your partner is much more likely to respond if you don't chasing him/her for an answer.  

4) Believing in yourself

It's really important that you try to build up your own self-esteem. You have to believe that you are worthy of your partner. The fact is that he or she chose you for a variety of reasons. You have to trust them and have faith in your own self-worth. If you trust their decision and value yourself then everything else will fade away.

5) Make time to do something you love or develop a new hobby:

A little space in a relationship is healthy. You and your partner both need a few hours where you can do something separate from each other—something you both love. It also means that you both have more  things to talk about when you come back together. If there was a hobby that you enjoyed doing before you got with your partner then I suggest taking that up again.

Above all else, remember that your partner is in love with you. Love isn’t about needing proof or evidence—often it’s about having the faith and courage to believe that your partner truly loves you. Trust that your significant other wants you.

How to Become Emotionally Independent in a Relationship - Part 1

Alright, so Valentine's Day is coming up and I've decided to tackle something a little bit delicate today. The fact is that it is very easy to become overly reliant on a partner and depend upon them a little too much. You enjoy their company, you love them a lot, and you want to spend every minute of your time with them.

Great. What happens when you overdo it though? You might find that your partner is pulling away, paying less interest to you, and showering you with less affection than you used to get. In desperation, you inundate them with more loving words and make the effort to spend more time with them. You literally reschedule all of your events so you can be around them. However, this is only met once more with your partner pulling away further and seeming more disinterested than ever.

Why is that? Well, the truth is, by trying to keep your partner close to you...you're actually pushing them further away. That's because you're not giving them the space they need to grow and to think. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is a human, too, and the truth is that they have their own life and their own dreams. They want to know that they have the space and support to do the things that they want to do some of the time.

By holding onto your man or woman tighter, you're effectively saying that you don't think you're worth as much as your partner. You are devaluing yourself when you're actually worth just as much. People want to feel like they've got a great catch (and your partner chose you because you are that great catch) so, by devaluing yourself, you're effectively telling them that you don’t think that you’re worth much. By devaluing yourself, you’re effectively telling them subconsciously that you don’t think they chose a “good catch”.  Men and women want to know they've made a good choice—that they've got something infinitely precious—and they definitely felt that for you at the beginning of the relationship. Put this way, your man or woman wouldn't have entered into the relationship if they didn't think they were making a good choice. To ensure they keep feeling that, you simply have to trust them and act the same way you did during the initial stages of your relationship.

It's more than that though. By clinging, although it's unintentional, you're creating an unfair pressure on your partner. They know on some level that you aren't happy and that you're struggling—and the pressure is on them to fix that. The trouble is, often your partner simply doesn’t know how to fix the problem and that can create an unfair situation. Your partner loves you; your partner absolutely doesn't want you to be sad...but he or she might not know how to make things better for you. To be honest, your happiness cannot solely rest on your partner’s shoulders anyway.

The truth is that only you can fix your situation. It sounds cliché but you have to work on yourself. Your partner was attracted to you for a reason and—in most cases—that doesn't change. The only thing that changes in a relationship is the way people behave. Perhaps something happened that triggered self-esteem issues within you and made you doubt yourself. Maybe that's spiralled out and made you believe you aren't worthy of being loved by your partner. This is false. You are worth that love. Your partner chose you. Nothing has changed.
 
I want to help you learn to detach from the chaotic thoughts and fears circuiting around your brain. I want to help you learn to have self-worth and love yourself. If you can love yourself, you make it so easy for everyone else to love you.

So, how do you do that? Well, first of all, please check out my previous posts '5 Tips on How to be Happy' and '3 Tips for Improving Self-Esteem'. These posts won't do the job for you but they will help you. The key is to build your own sense of worth up once more.

To save your relationship, you also need to take a step back. It sounds counter-intuitive when you're panicking about losing your partner...but try to give them a little breathing space. You might be itching to text constantly but you need to stop yourself. I know that might seem really hard and I know that it might panic you but this is for the good of your relationship.

Besides, don't you want to be able to breathe easily again and feel that same sense of confidence that you felt when you and your partner first got together?

You can do that. To help you, I'm going to do my very best to give you exercises which will improve your confidence and help you to be more mindful. If you're in touch with the present time and your current settings, you're not worrying about your relationship and its future. This should help to relieve some of the pressure you feel and help you learn to be a lot calmer.

This blog post has run on a bit too long. I'll cover mindfulness and give you some really helpful tips in my next blog. In the meantime, please remember that you are stronger and worthier than you think. Trust and believe in yourself.

F x

Dreams - Kissing

Dreams which involve kissing another person are actually a lot more common that people would care to admit. I'll happily be hold my hand up and admit that I've had dreams about kissing people. To be perfectly honest, I've even dreamed about kissing an ex-boyfriend or two in the past. I'm pretty certain, in those instances, that the dreams weren't foretelling my future...so let's get on to what dreams involving kissing can actually mean.


Dreaming that you're kissing a friend:

To dream that you're being kissed by a friend signifies the deep respect and care which you feel towards that person. It may also signify a wish to deepen your bond and friendship.


Dreaming that you're kissing a celebrity:

This often denotes a strong desire to succeed in something you're doing right now. If you're working on a new project then it might mean that you're desperate to succeed there.


Dreaming of kissing a stranger

If your dream involves kissing someone you don't know then it might signal a desire for a fresh start in some aspect of your life, or a journey of self-discovery that you're undertaking. There might be some aspect of yourself that you're only just beginning to discover. Alternatively, it might mean that you're finally recognising some aspect of yourself that you'd previously repressed.


Dreaming that you're kissing an ex-boyfriend:

This can mean several different things so you'll have to decide which feels most right for you and the dream you were experiencing. I know some people hope that a reconciliation with an ex in a dream is a premonition for the future. I'm afraid I can't offer that guarantee, just as I can't disapprove it either. It's possible that your subconscious is picking up signs that are coming from your ex...but it's also equally possible that the dream is just trying to help you work through something.

Dreaming about kissing an ex-boyfriend suggests that the ex-boyfriend is on your mind. However, it could simply mean that your brain is looking back on the positive experiences that you had with your ex and is yearning for something similar with a new love. If you're single, it's possible that your brain is acknowledging the positive points of a past relationship so that you can work out what you want in future relationships. If there's been a significant shift or change in your life recently then the dream could also signal how far you've come since that relationship.

To dream of kissing your first love may be symbolic of fresh love or romance blooming in your life. If you're already in a relationship but dreaming about your ex then it could mean you need to add a little more passion and romance into your existing relationship.


Hints and tips: 

• If your dream involves kissing a stranger then is there anything about him that is at all familiar? Does he look or remind you of anyone? 
• Different parts of the body mean different things. For example, someone kissing you on the neck suggests passion, lust and giving into your desires. Alternatively, if you are kissing someone's foot then it may signify the respect you feel for that person. Similarly, dreaming of kissing someone on the cheek often denotes respect and friendship.

5 Signs of an Awesome Friendship

 

1. Onesies become a natural accessory for any activity:

2. Your male friends aren't afraid to try new things, like Zumba, out:

3. Your friends are willing to jump off a cliff (or hill) for you:

4. Public displays of idiocy become a natural occurrence:

5. You both know that you're secretly Disney princesses at heart and everything you do must therefore involve singing: NB: Disney owns the rights to all songs etc.

Christmas Spirit: The Non-Boozy Kind

It's been a long time since I've sat down to write a blog post so you'll have to excuse the rustiness and verbal diarrhoea which may shortly ensue.

Christmas is just four days away. With all the festive frolics, steaming mulled wine and crooning carollers, it's easy to see why Christmas is considered the most magical time of the year. This year, though, everything has changed. Instead of throwing myself into Christmas preparations with a glorious joyeux de vivre, I find myself longing for the coming New Year and the beginning of 2015.

Maybe it's the endless consumerism, the barrage of stressed shoppers scrambling around for the best Christmas deals, the growing anxiousness to get the "perfect present", or maybe it's because this time of year is a constant reminder of things lost...but I’m finding Christmas less and less enjoyable this year.

In all the bustle of Christmas, it's often easy to forget that Christmas can be the loneliest times of the year for some people. Watching other people excitedly getting ready for a Christmas packed with family and friends must bring a sharp pang to the heart of anyone who has recently experienced a loss of some kind.

People can be snapped away in an instant. So, if I could impart one message about Christmas—if I've learnt anything from this year at all—it's not to take the people around you for granted. They can be gone in a heartbeat, leaving you filled with so many regrets. Christmas is a stressful time but don't lose sight of the fact that you probably have a lot of people out there who really care about you. If you love someone, hold onto that love and don't let it slip away.

As someone spending Christmas single this year, it is hard to believe that this time last year I was giggling in the arms of someone who I thought was the most special guy in the world: The guy I thought I would be spending every day with for the rest of my life. Twelve months later and that dream is hopelessly lost—and no amount of work on my part can fix it, nor any prayer change it. I've lost my dream…but it's made me more determined than ever that everyone else gets their happy ending. Make your wishes come true. Keep hold of the magic of love this Christmas and enjoy every moment you spend together—because it can all end with just a few heated comments. Don't let rash words or the strain to create "a perfect Christmas" bring with it an avalanche of regrets. If you love someone, keep them. Love isn't about never having cross words or always agreeing with each other—but it is about being prepared to compromise and loving each other enough to try again. Love is not about walking away forever because you're scared something may not fit further down the line; it's about trying to make things work regardless.

I know of so many couples who are struggling because of the strain which Christmas brings and it simply isn't worth it. Christmas only lasts a few days—so, please, if I could ask one thing of anyone reading this, it's this: Don’t do anything you might regret further down the line. Do not split with a partner unless you've truly stopped caring for each other. Who cares if he forgot to buy the cranberry sauce? No one likes it all that much anyway. What does it matter if she's invited that aunt who you've never liked to stay for a few days over the Christmas period? It's only two or three days and then you have the place to yourself again.

Keep the people that you love around you for Christmas and enjoy every moment. Pull crackers, groan at the silly jokes, get merry on tipples of wine, stuff yourself full of roast dinners and Christmas pudding, live in the moment… and have a wonderful Christmas.

“The spirit of Christmas is the spirit of love and of generosity and of goodness. It illuminates the picture window of the soul, and we look out upon the world's busy life and become more interested in people than in things.” —Thomas S. Monson.