Picking up the Pen: A Little Slice of Honesty

Sometimes I look around at the world and I wonder if everyone would find life much simpler if they just said exactly how they felt or spoke out honestly. Would more arguments be avoided or would more be created? I can't help but think that the world would be a better place if people just spoke their mind—because most of the time it is possible to speak honestly whilst still being kind.

Maybe if we were truthful always then there would be less of a need to involve third parties, too, because we would have said our piece straight away and could then move on. For the last few weeks, I've tried on repeated occasions to be honest about feelings but I've repeatedly made the rookie mistake of trying to designate a convenient time to do it. Essentially, I think I've been too well-mannered and timid about saying anything straight up, just in case I accidentally offend. After all, no matter how well-meaning you are, there is—of course—always the chance that the person you're speaking to is not going to respond positively to what is being said.

My main concern is always that I don’t want to hurt someone or cause them discomfort. Lately, I've been beating myself up over past situations where I've meant well—and had good intentions—but have unwittingly caused other people pain. Ironically, perhaps, from being too honest about things which would have better been left unsaid.

As a general rule of thumb, if something is troubling you personally then it's best to get it off your chest. If you sit and wallow on the thoughts then the feelings just grow and cause you more trouble. Everyone is different but I think a straight up approach saves pain and reduces the chance of things becoming rocky at a later date. Over the last week, I have been realising increasingly that every moment is precious―and I'd much rather spend my time being open, living in the moment, rather than wallowing or brooding over issues. I can't say that this is the best approach to life for everyone but it's certainly one that seems to work best for me.

Stay true to yourself and stand up for what you believe to be right in your heart. If you're doing that, you can always hold your head up high―whatever the outcome.

 
“If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

F x

5 Tips on How to be Happy

My last two blog posts have focused on ways to alleviate anxiety and build self-esteem. Today, I'm going to give you some tips on ways to achieve happiness. First of all, I need you to understand that—although I will do my best to help—the work must come from you. Only you have the power to make yourself happy and realising that is actually one of the first steps towards achieving lasting happiness.

You see, you doom yourself the moment you rely on other people as your source of happiness. You need to be able to create your own happiness, rather than relying on set events or people. Likewise, you can't depend on future events to make you happy. If you're always looking forwards in hope then you aren't living in the moment and you aren't acknowledging the good you already have in your life.

This may be hard for you at first but you need to release all ideas of the future holding all your happiness. You will be happy in the future—however, if you follow these tips, you can also be happy whilst living in the now.


1) Understand that you are in control of your life and your destiny:

Often, we despair and believe that we are trapped by circumstances. This is not the case. You are in control of your own life and you have the power to change anything that makes you feel unhappy. If you believe that you have no control and if you feel like the victim in a chain of circumstances, you trap yourself into being the victim. Everything we do—even choosing to do nothing—is a choice. If someone does something which upsets us but we don't say anything, we've made that choice not to say anything.

It is your life and you always have control of it in some way.


2) Change your thinking:

Often, we spend a lot of time wishing that things were different. We might find ourselves longing for change or spend a lot of time missing a certain someone. For example, if you've gone through a tough break-up then you might be longing for your ex or desperately wishing for someone to love you again. This is not healthy as it just creates a negative thought process which tells your brain that you are lacking something and that you don't have that. The more you wish you had something, the more you're creating a scenario where you don't have that something. Thoughts are things. Someone who is forever saying that their life never goes right will create a life that never goes right. We attract what we think into our lives.

The good news is that we can change these thoughts. You have access to everything you could ever want but you just need to tap into it.

To do that, you need to start changing the way you phrase things. Do the words 'I don't have' or 'I never' tend to cycle around your thoughts or spill out of your mouth on a daily basis? Do you feel desperate and constantly say to yourself, 'I need this' or 'I want that'? It's important that you catch yourself whenever you start to feel like this. You can access everything you could ever want—but to do that you have to release all feelings of desperation and need. You need to be at peace with who you are now so that all the good things can start coming into your life. When you release the negative, you create a pathway so that the good things can start to come into your life. The faster you release, the faster you manifest positive things into your world.

Think of it like this: Pretend for a moment that negative thoughts are like the night sky. You've gotten a little lost and you're trying to find your way along to get to where you want. However, you're stumbling around in the dark and you can't seem to find a road. The more you panic about getting onto the road you want to take, the darker the sky seems to get. Eventually, you can't see to do anything through that pitch-black night sky and none of the things you'd like seem to come your way. However, by shifting your thoughts to a more positive level consistently, you're effectively handing yourself a torch and allowing shafts of light to illuminate the way again so that you can find the path you want to tread.

Using the present tense, switch your thoughts around to 'I have' or 'I am filled with' etc. because then you're stating that you already have the things you want in your life. In this way, you are telling your brain that everything is okay and you are clearing away any barriers which might have blocked you in the past from having those things in your life. This will help you manifest the good things you do want much faster and your brain will stop thinking that it has been lacking something.

3) Positive Affirmations:

I mentioned this when I spoke in an earlier blog about improving self-esteem. If your happiness has been blocked because you don't feel confident enough then telling yourself positive statements each day will work wonders.

For more details on positive affirmations, check out my previous blog post here.

 
4) Find at least one thing to feel happy or grateful about each day:

Find something in your life that makes you feel grateful and write it down. This could be anything from a friend making you laugh to the sun shining whilst you're out shopping. However simple the thing you're grateful for might be, just write it down. Writing down the things we're grateful for helps to remind us of the positive points in our life and will make us feel better about how we're living.

For Christmas, a friend bought me a 'Happy Box' so that I could jot down one thing every day which made me feel grateful. The 'Happy Box' works sort of like a piggy bank: Every day, you drop into the box a 'happy' note containing something which has made you feel grateful. In later months, if you need a boost, you can crack the box open and look back over all the things which have made you happy. It's a great idea which I've been trying to use daily.

 

5) Catch yourself whenever 'Mr. Doubt' or 'Mrs. Fear' shows up in your brain:

However hard you try, there will be points when you find yourself plagued by fears or doubts. This might come in the form of a doubt niggling at the back of your brain—or a clenching of fear in your gut—which tells you that you can't achieve something for whatever reason. Simply allow those thoughts to enter your brain, acknowledge that you've had them, and then release them. In this way, you accept each thought but you don't give them power. Slowly, those doubts or fears will start to fade over time and you'll feel much happier as a result.

How to Calm Yourself During an Anxiety Attack

The following blog post features some of the exercises which I have used in the past to calm myself during an anxiety attack. Most people experience some anxiety attacks in their life-time―and some can be more extreme than others. I remember a particular episode when a panic attack was so bad out in public that a friend had to come into my toilet cubicle to look after me. My friend sat with me and helped me to focus on my breathing until the attack finally left.

One of the scariest things about anxiety attacks is that we feel we can't take in enough air or control how fast our heart seems to beat―and this is because our breathing changes and gets shallower. By following the breathing exercise below, you'll be able to regulate your breathing, get more oxygen to all parts of your body and calm yourself down.

Trust me, these do work. Last year, I experienced a plethora of anxiety attacks and felt insecure a lot of the time, but I've been working hard to rectify this and the effects are very noticeable. The following tips are designed to help you during an anxiety attack; however, I also want to help you so that you can stop experiencing those anxiety episodes altogether.

Anxiety comes from feeling out of control. When we start to fear that something is going to happen (or someone else is going to do something) which is beyond our control, we panic and that can lead to spells of anxiety. The important thing to remember, though, is that you are always in control. You might not be able to control the circumstances surrounding you...but you can control how you react to them.

Remember, you are not alone. There might be times when you feel utterly lost in a dark labyrinth but that is not reality. In reality, there are friends, family members or support groups available to help you. There are so many self-help books and articles on the web, too. Although only you can ultimately overcome the anxiety attacks, there is a lot of support out there to aid you. 


1) Breathing:

Breathing immediately gets harder during a panic attack. You feel like you aren't getting enough air in, so you panic even more, and end up taking in shallower breaths at an accelerated rate. The good news is that you can stop this cycle.

Simply breathe in through your nose for seven seconds, hold for three seconds, and then slowly exhale through your mouth for eight seconds. Focus on the counting and repeat this technique until you feel yourself calming down. This will help you to get deeper breaths and will give your brain something else to focus on during the attack.


2) Work on loosening those tense muscles:

When we feel anxious, we can tense up without even realising it.

Press your chin down onto your chest and hold for five seconds before slowly bringing your head back up once more. Next, pull your head back and stretch your neck. Roll each shoulder gently until the knots ease.  The feelings of constriction in your upper body are simply caused by your muscles tensing up ―and you have the power to control that and relax those muscles.


3) Release the thought which is making you anxious:


I realise this is easier said than done. However, there are ways to release the negative thoughts and there are certain techniques which can stop the anxiety from taking hold of you. Remember, you control your body and your mind. You have the power to fix it.

So, how do you release the thoughts? There's a variety of ways. When I knew I was about to panic about some irrational fear, I used to change the scenario in my head to one that was OTT and extremely silly. For example, if I was afraid of being told off for something then I would imagine that person shouting at me in a Donald Duck voice. If you can laugh at your fears and make them as silly as possible then the thoughts stop being quite so real and you can move on from them.

During a panic attack, it also helps to actually listen to your thoughts. If you're panicking then stop fighting the thought and acknowledge that your body is having a panic attack. Don't try to push the thoughts away. The harder you try not to think about it, the more your brain will want to think about it.

For example, I'm going to tell you right now that you absolutely must not think about a hippo wearing a pink tutu.

So, what's the first thing your brain pictured just then? Probably a hippo wearing a pink tutu. That's because telling your brain it cannot do something automatically makes it fixate even more. You have to be a bit sneaky and allow yourself to think about the problem. That doesn't mean sinking into the problem, of course. You're simply hearing your brain's complaint and then letting it go. You've listened to yourself and now you have no reason to hold onto that thought anymore. You can release it.

Something which I've found helpful is mentally asking, 'What are you trying to tell me, body?' By listening to yourself, you acknowledge the thought and can let go. You give yourself the power to remove the fear.


4) Ground yourself:

Grip hold of the objects around you at the time. Notice how your feet feel when they're touching the carpeted floor, concentrate on how heavy your palms are when they're resting on the tops of your jeans, and live in the moment. Be mindful of everything around you and you will slowly be able to pull yourself out of the panic attack.

Tip: Try this technique whenever your mind starts to drift. In time, your thoughts will focus on the now, rather than fearing what could happen in the future. 

4) Meditation:

I know meditation isn't for everyone but there's no doubt that it can have a calming effect on the brain. However, if you―like me―struggle to empty your thoughts then I recommend listening to music to help. I was most prone to panic attacks before bed, as my brain had more time to fixate on worries at that point, so I tend to put on some light relaxing music before attempting sleep.

In particular, I find Louise Hay's subliminal messaging CDs particularly helpful. Not only is the music highly relaxing, but her subliminal messages can also fix any issues with self-esteem or anxiety.

For more information on Louise Hay, check out her website.

3 Tips for Improving Self-Esteem

Only you can improve your self-esteem but―by following these tips―hopefully that will become easier for you with each new day.
 

1. Write down and say positive affirmations daily:

Often, if situations are particularly stressful, we can get into a rut of negative thinking. Thoughts rattle around in our brains on a demon circuit and seem to get trapped there. Once a negative thought pops into our brain, we tend to fixate on it and find it hard to let go.

Using positive affirmations daily can help change this pattern so that you feel better about yourself. Instead of saying 'I can't do this because...' change your thoughts to 'I can do this!' If you believe something can happen, you open yourself up to being able to make it happen. Similarly, if you believe something is impossible then you can doom yourself to never getting what you want. Shake away any mental blocks you've created and believe.

As Audrey Hepburn rather famously said, 'Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible!' '

Write down a list of positive things to say about yourself each day. Remember to use the present tense for all of your affirmations and choose your words carefully. Avoid words which hold negative connotations and make sure your affirmations are positive statements. To work properly, your affirmations need to be read out like facts. This will help you believe them more.

As a starting point, I found some of the following affirmations helpful:

I am successful and motivated
I achieve my dreams
I am worthy of love
I welcome happiness into my life
I choose to be happy
I make the right choices for myself
I trust myself
I forgive myself for any past mistakes and let go of anything that might keep me from achieving my dreams.
New opportunities and possibilities come to me easily

As a tip, if you feel a pleasant warm sensation when you say the words then they're right for you. If you feel a clenching in your gut then keep working on the phrasing until the words feel better. You want to feel good when you read your affirmations so that your brain will associate those words with feelings with happiness.

Once you have your list, spend a few minutes every morning and evening saying your affirmations. Believe in the words and your own self-worth. You have the power to make yourself happy. Everything you need is within your grasp.


2. Trust and believe in yourself:

Ever wondered why some people seem to be so successful whilst others struggle? Part of the reason why is often their attitude. They believe they can get something and so they receive it. It's called the Law of Attraction and I'll go into that in a bit more detail in a later article. Basically, believe that you deserve the very best and good things will come to you.

3. Don't compare yourself to other people:

If you constantly compare yourself to other people, you will never be happy. You are a person in own your own right and you are the perfect form of yourself. Be content with who you are and don't feel insecure. The fact is that the people around you probably love you and want to be with you for who you are already.


Bonus Tip:

4. Smile at yourself in front of the mirror daily:

This may sound strange but if you spend a few minutes each day smiling at yourself in front of the mirror then you will start to feel happier in general. It's a mistake to think we only smile when feel happy. Often enough, we can feel happy because we're smiling.

For people with a low body image, standing in front of a mirror and smiling can make all the difference. By smiling at your reflection, you're telling your brain that you are happy with the way you look―and this will help you to increase your confidence.